shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
