It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
