If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
