i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
