I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
