just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
