I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
