Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just pee around me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
