girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
