Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
