I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
