so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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