my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
