Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
