you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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