this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Pooping to opera.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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