The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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