the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
