Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
