Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
