you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
