Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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