I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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