omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
