I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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