Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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