Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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