hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
