I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
