she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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