I heard we made out
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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