I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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