i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
