I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
