You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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