ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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