I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i came on her dog
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
