Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
