you would pick up someone in the library
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
