So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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