you traded sex for a burrito?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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