cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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