Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
