I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
