You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
