my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize