I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
