I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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