She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
