apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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