vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
