All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Congratulations! We have a period
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