From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
