dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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