Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
