You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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