Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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