I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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