In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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